One of my new favorite blogs to check out is Brene Brown’s blog at www.dailycourage.com . I discovered her quite by accident. I was on Amazon. com looking for a new book and found her book, “The Gifts of Imperfection”, ordered it, read it, loved it and am new re-reading it more slowly. So I figured I’d check out her blog. It’s a fun site and she posts every so often on a wide variety of topics related to living life with courage, compassion and connection – the three gifts of imperfection.
So the other day she had a quote that has stuck with me. The quote is this: “Don’t try to win over the haters. You’re not the jackass whisperer.” – by Scott Stratten author of “Unmarketing:Stop Marketing. Start Engaging.” The book title sounds interesting…. and the quote even more so. Why have I found this quote to be so interesting? I’ve been playing around with how this might play out in daily life; especially the second part of the quote – You’re not the jackass whisperer.
Just for fun let’s play around with how this could work in one’s daily life. Ok, ready? Let’s go!
Scenario one: you are talking to someone about something you like and the person says, “ew, you like that???” And rather than try to justify what you like or convince them it’s fine or even take the high road that tries to explain to the person how insulting their statement is and give them a kinder gentler way to express their thought, you turn and walk away with your head held high because you are not the jackass whisperer. Nothing you say will change their thinking. So you just dis-engage, realize they haven’t a clue as to how to show compassion much less connect with others and rather than try to teach them in that small moment you walk away because you are not the jackass whisperer.
Scenario two: You are at work and yet again people are complaining. Rather than try to neutralize their complaints or show them how their complaining actually holds them back, or worse yet, engage in the complaining, you simply walk right on by the conversation. Why? because you are not the jackass whisperer. It isn’t your job to try to change these people or to show them that there really is a better way to live one’s life.
Scenario three: Someone close to you says, “I just want you to listen” when what they really mean is that they want you to sit quietly why they blast you with all the things they think are wrong with you – and they do this not to help you improve yourself but rather in the misguided notion that if you only listen you will change and behave the way they want and then their life will be perfect. Instead you politely say no, thank you, and walk away. Why? because any relationship that has reached that level of controlling behavior is unhealthy for you and you are never going to change that person – so you don’t try because you are not the jackass whisperer.
And wow! if you actually dis-engage, walk on by and decline to engage in hateful conversations your life will much more pleasant. Imagine all of the hurtful, mean spirited, negative speech and actions you won’t have in your life! I mean, really, this could be life changing! I started this off as sort of a tongue in cheek exercise designed to answer the question: how would I behave differently if i took the attitude that I am not the jackass whisperer? And as I look at these three scenarios I realize I would live my life only engaging in exchanges that would result in me making real connections with others, showing compassion to myself and others, setting boundaries, and generally only allowing positive people into my life.
I used to think that I had to engage – just recently I kept myself in a conversation that turned mean to me – afterward I realized I could have just walked away. And i wondered why I didn’t. It wasn’t as if the person had any real control over me. I think I wanted to try to explain things to the other person or defend myself – but the reality is this: the other person didn’t care one bit about what I think. So why engage in such a hurtful and mean encounter? Because I think I have to? Because i think i can’t just walk away? hmm…. it seems to me that I was trying to be the jackass whisperer in that situation. Had I realized this I might have behaved differently. I might have just walked away because I am NOT the jackass whisperer. and neither are you. No one is really.
All those jackasses out there are hurting, or having a bad day, or blaming others for their troubles, and generally living unhappy lives. I think these things show up as the ills that we see in today’s modern society – too much stuff, fat, debt, complaints, disbelief in the possibilities of life, negative thinking, self righteous thinking, and controlling behaviors. It seems to me that these behaviors have become smokescreens that allow us to blame everything and everyone but ourselves for our unhappiness and as a result i think people become jackasses. I really don’t think they were born that way nor do I think most people wake up in the morning and ask themselves how they can be a jackass that day. I think that over time they cover up the pain with poor behaviors none of which lead to happiness, joy, compassion, and connections with others. And how sad that so many people don’t learn this.
The goal of this blog started off to share what I have learned about peeling back some of the layers mentioned above. I wanted to share on a wider scale what I’ve shared with others in one on one conversations. As I have written this blog I have found that the sharing has benefited me just as much as any of my readers. I have come to realize from reading books, blogs, and talking with others that it is this process of sharing our journey and lessons learned along the way that we all ultimately find the actions necessary to liberate ourselves from a life of pain/ hurt/ jackass-ness into a life of courage, compassion, joy, happiness and connection with others.
And that while the jackasses of the world think they are protecting themselves by hurting others, those of us who are letting go of these negative aspects of life are protecting ourselves through vulnerability, kindness, compassion, and love. And speaking as a former control freak i gotta say, these things can be scary at times, but they are so worth it. We really do grow through vulnerability. who knew?
So jackasses beware! i am no longer the jackass whisperer. you’re going to have to go find someone else. I am, however, one of the “whisperers” for those wanting to create positive change in their lives. People who want to join in a journey that will liberate themselves one action at a time until we are living “naked”. cms.
