How is it that being vulnerable makes us stronger? How is it that it enables us to become more connected to others? why is it that so many of us are afraid of it? What happened to us that we lost the ability to really connect with others? Did we get a random hurtful comment one too many times? And if it hurt us so badly why do we seem to pass it on? to our kids, friends, co-workers, siblings, and man on the street. Does passing it on make us feel just a little bit better if for only a brief moment? And is it worth it?
It seems to me that we humans hurt ourselves and each other way too often and way too deeply and quite often without really realizing it fully – i say it that way because i think that at some level we know what we are doing – we might not even be able to stop ourselves – but we know what we are doing. Which of course begs the question – if we know what we are doing why do we continue to do it? Is it because that knowledge lies so deep in us that we can ignore it more easily than if we had allowed it to come to the surface?
And still i wonder – if our actions hurt others why do they result in us feeling better about ourselves? is it because we some how justify it by thinking of ourselves as being better than the other person and as a result we feel better about ourselves – this means then that we elevated ourself above another by demeaning the other person. How is that going to enable us to feel happiness, joy, kindness, compassion and ultimately that unexpected strength builder, vulnerability? I’m going to go out on a limb here and say, these behaviors of hurting others aren’t going to get us anywhere except deeper in the hole of unhappiness, unkindness, unjoyfulness, and ultimately we will feel disconnected from others – and perhaps even blaming others for our discontent.
Now there’s a twisted tale if ever i heard one. And i’ve heard this one before because i’ve lived it. And so have you. I think we’ve all at some point in our lives blamed others for our unhappiness; compared ourselves to others and decided we came out on top or felt so “less than” that we had to bury that and so declared ourselves the “winner” by saying I don’t have to look that way or have that talent. And how many people feel like rushing right out to be vulnerable with the people they know? maybe with a close friend or two, but what about with a new friend? an acquaintance? a co-worker? what about these people? are we ready to be vulnerable with them and show them more of who we really are inside?
This really is a tough question for me right now. And a new concept. Strength through vulnerability. How does that work exactly? I give a little piece of myself and i see if the other person gives a little piece of themselves? Doesn’t that take a lot of trust you ask? hmmm… i’m asking the same question. I’m puzzling over how this might look on a day to day basis. I’m puzzling on where to start. I’m puzzling on with whom to start.
Maybe the starting place is with people we know and trust a bit – we’re probably pretty good at being vulnerable with good friends – so we could practice a bit with them and then branch out to people who we know as part of our daily lives – the trainer at the gym, the teacher we see every day, the co-worker, the business aquaintance, our hairdresser – we could ask a question that is more than where do you live but not so deep as to startle the person – and more importantly we can open ourselves up to the questions that enable others to see parts of who we are; parts that speak to what we value in ourselves and others, in daily life, and our interactions with others. What makes us smile? what makes us hum? what saddens us? what gladdens us? what are our goals and ambitions? why do we read the books we read? why do some of us choose to watch t.v. and others do not? why do some of us love chocolate and others do not? You get the picture.
I’m guessing here, but my thinking at the moment is that it is more than just the asking and answering of these questions that makes us vulnerable. I’m thinking that it is allowing ourselves to be in a real situation with out worry to “keep up appearances” or keep us safe from goodness knows what kind of response. Or looking silly or….you fill in the blank. Because it seems to me that if we can stand with confidence in who we are while we are letting someone in – even just a little bit – we derive strength from vulnerability.
So this is what i’m going to do. I’m going to look at how i talk with people in all sorts of settings. I’m going to see if i can tweak things just a little bit here and there. Just enough to feel more like my real self as often as possible. and i’m going to be brave and try not to worry so much about appearances or someone else’s response. I’m just going to “worry” about my own responses and my own appearances and keep them as close to the real me as i can for each day.
Then maybe over time i’ll be more vulnerable and stronger. sort of like working out at the gym – you come in day in and day out and you really don’t notice the changes until one day your trainer has you do something you didn’t think you were strong enough to do and voila! you do it and it isn’t really that hard! that’s when you know you’re stronger and for me, i feel proud of myself when that happens; pleased that i put in the time and commitment to myself every day and now can do something i couldn’t do before – and.. here’s the best part – it feels so natural to me to do it. well then, if i can do that in the gym, surely i can commit to developing my inner strength too. It feels a bit scary. It even feels like a crazy idea. It also feels right.
Maybe, just maybe, it’s like the Grinch Who Stole Christmas – maybe by listening for a moment, really listening, to those around us, and our hearts, we might just find our strength in vulnerability. And like the Grinch our hearts and lives will expand. That’s what I’m hoping for – a deeper connection to others just like the Grinch who in the end shared the festivities with the Who’s down in Whoville and discovered the beauty of connecting with others; even if he did have to eat the roastbeast! 
Here’s a quote from Brene Brown, author of “I thought it was just me” and “the gifts of imperfection”:
“Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy – the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.”
May we all find our own light. Peace. cms.
